
If You Want to Improve Your Relationships, Pay Attention to This: How You Treat Yourself
In the countless therapy sessions I've facilitated over the years, one recurring theme stands out: how we treat ourselves profoundly shapes the relationships we attract and sustain. Whether you're seeking love, trying to mend a fractured connection, or deepening existing bonds, self-worth and relationships are deeply interconnected. If you constantly put yourself down, accept less than you deserve, or neglect your own needs, you send a powerful message to the world—and to those around you—about what you think you’re worth.
The Mirror Effect: What We Accept Becomes Our Standard
I’ve seen this dynamic play out across different populations, from clients in private practice to those navigating the complexities of the prison system. Often, the belief that we aren’t worthy of respect or kindness stems from deeply entrenched generational trauma or life experiences shaped by societal inequities. Understanding the connection between self-worth and relationships is essential for healing and growth. For many immigrant families, the pressure to succeed in a new country—while carrying the weight of cultural expectations—can result in neglecting self-care and undervaluing one's worth. Colonialism’s lingering shadow has left many marginalized communities struggling to see their true value, an effect that reverberates through generations.
In a prison setting, I worked with men who carried the shame of their actions while ignoring the wounds they accumulated from systemic failures, broken families, and unresolved childhood trauma. In these cases, self-worth was a concept far removed from their day-to-day survival. But the same principle applied—whether incarcerated or free, the way we view ourselves sets the foundation for all other relationships.
Self-Worth and Trauma: Understanding the Impact of Generational and Cultural Trauma
Many of my clients come from families where trauma isn't just a single event but a legacy. For first-generation immigrants, especially, the trauma of uprooting oneself and striving in a foreign land creates immense internal pressure. Sacrificing personal needs for the sake of family is often ingrained in the culture. I’ve worked with clients who didn’t even realize they had internalized these sacrifices as markers of their own value. They accepted unhealthy dynamics in relationships because, unconsciously, they believed they didn't deserve better. Understanding the relationship between self-worth and relationships can help break this cycle.
One client, an immigrant from Southeast Asia, often spoke about feeling less-than at work and in her relationships. The more we explored her history, the more it became evident that her sense of self-worth was shaped by her parents’ sacrifices and the unspoken expectation that her success had to come at the cost of her personal happiness. She was taught that her worth was tied to external achievements, and so she accepted a marriage where her emotional needs were neglected. This is a common story in many immigrant communities—striving so hard to build a life that you forget to care for the one living it.
The Internal Narrative: Changing Negative Self-Talk
In therapy, we work on reframing the internal narrative—changing how we speak to ourselves. I often tell clients, "You wouldn't treat a friend or partner this way, so why do you allow yourself to talk to you like that?" If you grew up in an environment where love or validation was conditional, you might not even realize you're replicating that behavior with yourself. Shifting this narrative is a critical step in improving self-worth and relationships.
For one teenage client, the experience of constantly being judged by his immigrant parents for not living up to cultural expectations was devastating. It left him with harsh internal dialogues that echoed his parents’ words, constantly telling himself that he wasn’t smart enough, wasn’t hardworking enough, wasn’t good enough. It wasn’t until we started identifying and challenging that negative self-talk that he began to realize how much it was impacting his relationships with friends and romantic partners. He was so critical of himself that he couldn’t accept kindness from others.
Self-Love Is a Practice, Not a Destination
Learning to treat yourself with the same love and respect you hope to receive from a partner isn’t a one-time task; it’s a daily practice. Just like brushing your teeth or exercising, it takes commitment. Often, it means addressing past traumas, whether they come from family dynamics, cultural expectations, or personal experiences. It can also involve unlearning harmful behaviors that were passed down through generations—survival mechanisms inherited from ancestors who lived through colonization, migration, or war. This process reveals how intertwined self-worth and relationships truly are.
One of the most powerful moments in therapy is when a client realizes that their value isn't tied to what they can do for others or how much they can endure. We’ve seen this with the rise of the "model minority" myth in many immigrant communities, where the pursuit of success comes at the cost of mental and emotional well-being. Reclaiming your self-worth in this context is an act of resistance. It’s saying, "I am worthy just as I am, regardless of what the world or my cultural expectations may say."
You Deserve to Be Loved—Starting With Yourself
The journey to self-love often involves revisiting painful memories, challenging old beliefs, and sometimes going against the grain of cultural or generational expectations. But it's worth it. Every relationship you have will improve when you start treating yourself the way you deserve to be treated—with kindness, patience, and respect.
As a therapist, my goal is to help clients find this balance, to love themselves in the way they wish to be loved by others. Whether you’re a first-generation immigrant trying to balance cultural values with personal desires, or someone healing from past traumas, the work starts with you. Treat yourself well, and watch how your self-worth and relationships transform.
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